Shortly after the pregnancy test turns positive and those initial giddy moments fade you begin to make a list of all the things you will need for your new baby. There are hundreds of books instructing you and you are probably surrounded by friends and family telling you about the essential items required to care for a new baby. Let me provide you with a list of things you DON’T need. That is right, things that the baby industry will convince you that you need but in reality are a waste of your money. The baby gifts that will forever sit in your closet untouched.

1.) Diaper Genie (or similar item)

All new mothers think they need this. All new mothers feel this imaginary force field drawing them to buy this item. However, if you talk with any mother that has more than one child you will find that they don’t use it. Why? Well, unless your child is planning on pooping about only 4 times a day you will be changing the cartridge more than once (don’t believe the advertising that says 180 diapers – mine never held anything past 10 diapers and by that time it stunk so bad it didn’t matter if it could handle more). Oh, and those cartridges are not all that easy to change, and they are expensive, and if you don’t screw it tight enough your room still smells like poop. The easier, faster, cheaper and more convenient method that all mothers resort to is a TRASH CAN. That is right, a lovely trash can with a liner. I use leftover grocery bags. I take the poop diapers to the outside trash can and throw away the rest at the end of the day.

2.) Highchairs

Okay, I know some of you are going to be shocked that I put this on the list, but hear me out. Like most parents David and I purchased a large name brand highchair that had wheels with changeable trays, adjustable seat, blah, blah, blah. Well, we live in a rather modest sized house and this highchair became the albatross of my kitchen. It took up a huge amount of space, was always in the way and regardless of what the manufacturer says, it was a pain to clean. When we switched the kids to the booster seat I couldn’t help but think “why didn’t I just buy a really nice booster seat instead?”

3.) Bottle Sterilizer

Some of you may disagree with me on this one but I never had time to worry about sterilizing my bottles. Honestly, if they even got clean was a miracle and by the time Max came along I was just giving them a good rinse under the faucet and moving on. If, you actually have enough bottles in rotation to have some out of commission I suggest you use the dishwasher. It’s hot and it cleans things. I feel that I must also disclose that I am the kind of mother that picks pacifiers up off the ground, licks them, and puts them back in my kids’ mouth so, you be the judge. (I can only imagine the comments I’m going to receive on this one – so just in case you are thinking of calling CPS my children have never had an ear infection or an illness that required an antibiotic.)

4.) Infant Shoes

They are cute, and when you are pregnant you can’t wait for your little one to wear their first pair of Nikes, Vans, wingtips, hightops, high heels, whatever. However, they are the most useless thing on this Earth. An infant is no more capable of keeping shoes on their feet than they are capable of reciting the number for the babysitter. Within seconds of placing these absolutely adorable fashion items on your child, one — and only one — will be lost. Where? Oh, probably on the side of the road somewhere, in the grocery aisle, or underneath your car seat. ONE shoe, and only one shoe will be lost forever.

5.) Help During the First Four Weeks

Here is a secret that nobody tells new mothers. New babies sleep, almost exclusively for the first 2-4 weeks. As a matter of fact you are going to be rather disappointed that your little lump of flesh doesn’t do anything else. All that wonderful family assistance will be for not because you won’t need it. Just when you start to think that this whole baby thing is WAY EASIER than everybody says, and just as the door shuts on the last of the family help your baby will wake up. And when it wakes up it is MAD AS HELL!! It realizes that the whole womb thing was a good deal, and who thought of taking it out of the womb was a bad, bad person and oh, that person is you. Your little angel will now cry, and cry, and cry for a variety of reasons that you won’t be able to figure out until it’s 12 weeks old. In the meantime all your help is gone, your husband is back at work, your post-partum emotional dump has occurred and you are left exhausted, beaten down and wondering where all the help is. Here is my advice — ask Grandma to come back at 6 weeks.

And finally one gift every new mother could use – a gift certificate for new clothes. You won’t be able to fit into your old clothes, you’ll be sick of wearing your maternity clothes and you will feel too cheap, guilty and tired to spend money on new clothes.