Hello? Hello? Are You Listening?
When you’re a mother your telephone conversations sound something like this:
Mother #1: hello?
Mother #2: hi – I just wanted to call and talk to you about the current health care debate
Mother #1: Oh, I know did you watch CNBC last night?
Mother #2: I did, and I really thought, Tommy! Tommy! I told you to not hit your sister. SARAH! stop hitting your brother! Who wants to lose a privilege? Sorry about that – let me see, yes, I liked what they were saying about universal coverage but was concerned about the tax implications and you?
Mother #1: Well, I didn’t see the piece on CNBC but NPR was interviewing the CEO of a pharmaceutical company and, BILLY! BILLY! Put that knife down. Yes, Emma I will wipe your bottom. Sorry, okay, well NPR was discussing how the reform might impact malpractice insurance and the availability of doctors.
Do you see how that works? The side conversations with children and punishments dolled out are respectively ignored and the conversation proceeds seamlessly. Neither party offended at the break in conversation nor distracted by the requests of the children in the background. And yet, if this same conversation were held between a mother and a man — any man — it would sound like this:
Mother #1: Hello?
Man: Hi, I was wondering what was for dinner tonight
Mother #1: Oh, well I was thinking TOMMY, TOMMY NO YOU CANNOT EAT CANDY BEFORE DINNER!
Man: I’ll let you go, you sound busy.
Busy? Of course I’m busy. I’m always busy. I’m a part-time working mother of two. The only time I’m not doing three tasks at the same time is when I’m asleep. If you insist on my complete undivided attention on the phone then please plan on calling when my children are 18 years old. I’m not sure why women can follow this phone conversation phenomenon and why men seem to instantly short circuit like a Microsoft hard drive that is trying to run too many apps, but they do and it is frustrating.
As a mother of multiple children (and yes, I’m afraid you need to have more than one to make this happen) my multi-tasking abilities have reached that of Ninja-level. All those teenagers who think they are special because they can drive and text – Pshaw! That is nothing. I can cook dinner, assist with spelling homework, pack lunches for tomorrow AND text message all at the same time. I can wash hair in the bathtub, wipe somebody’s bottom, AND conduct a phone job interview all seamlessly.
What is it about women that makes us able to juggle so many tasks with little problem? Is it biological or did we develop this skill out of necessity? Would a man also be able to multi-task with such ease if he was a single dad? I have no idea but in the meantime I think it might be a good idea for me to start utilizing my “mute” button on my telephone.
Tips to Writing a Great Holiday Newsletter (a rereun)
Well, it is that time of year when holiday letters and family Christmas notes start pouring into my mailbox. Although I look forward to seeing the little shiny cards with news of friends far away, I can’t help but notice some disturbing grammatical problems with these letters. I thought I would feature one of the most popular posts I have ever written; Tips to Writing a Great Holiday Newsletter. I’ve re-posted the entire article here for your convenience.
TIPS TO WRITING A GREAT HOLIDAY NEWSLETTER (originally posted on November 28, 2008)
As we plow into the holiday season I feel a desire to provide some helpful tips when it comes to writing that Christmas letter. As an English teacher I find these little treasures to actually be time bombs of irritation awaiting me in my mailbox. This year I plan to circumvent this problem by telling you the things you absolutely should NEVER do.
#1 (and this is a biggie) DO NOT WRITE IN THIRD PERSON
Let me give you an example; “Bob is so excited at his new job and Sally is involved in the PTA this year”. Who the hell is writing the letter? The cat? Obviously somebody is writing and if it isn’t the two adults in the house than who is it? And don’t switch back and forth. For example; “I’m so proud of Bob’s new promotion this year and I know he will be happy. Sally is heavily involved in the PTA and I’m glad she has found an outlet for her creativity.” So now you are taking turns typing? Of course not. Somebody is writing this letter so decide who it is and stick with it.
#2 How To Share Good News and Not Brag
Let’s just pretend your son really did win the Nobel Peace Prize.Of course you are proud of him – any mother would be. However, you don’t want to make everybody else reading this either hate you or resent you for telling them. When sharing some piece of amazing news humble this news with some mundane thing that the person fails miserably at. For example, “We are so proud of John winning the Nobel Peace Prize this year but we sure wish he would learn how to pick up the phone and call once in awhile” or “Steve has been lucky to discover the cure for Cancer this year but too bad he can’t also cure his chronic flatulence problem”. See where I’m going with this? This is also true when talking about yourself. You might say something like, “I’ve really enjoyed feeding the homeless this year. Unfortunately my family has taken to showing up in the soup line because I’m never home long enough to feed them.” This will put your reader at ease and allow them to both respect your accomplishment and to know that you aren’t trying to compete
#3 Including Photographs
Unless the person is related or is close enough to be considered a relation a photograph of your growing child is not necessary. Truly, what am I supposed to do with these photos? Save them forever? What is the appropriate amount of time to hold on to said picture prior to disposal? 1 month? 1 year? 1 day? Don’t put that kind of guilt on me.
#4 Keep It Brief
No more than one page in a 11 point font or larger. Unless you have traveled to the moon, solved World Peace, or discovered a new country, one page is more than sufficient space. I would love to know how your family is doing but I’m not really interested in a 2008 recap that rivals a PBS documentary. This means stick to the highlights; births, deaths, graduations, new jobs/loss of job, new house/loss of house, pets, major childhood accomplishments (this can be anything from walking to rehab), divorce or marriage. If ALL of these things happened in your life in one year well – take a Prozac and then focus on the good stuff. It’s Christmas man, don’t bring me down.
I hope this helps you and guides you as you try to communicate the events of 2008 to your friends and family. Honestly, I really am looking forward to your Christmas letter so please send it soon.
Follow-Up
Remember how I told you that we put a bid on a house and it was rejected? Well, the owner changed her mind and now – right now – as we head into the holidays and while I’m 7 months pregnant – we are selling our house and moving. I’ve already documented my delicate emotional state during this pregnancy and this additional stress has truly sent me to “crazy town”. So currently, David’s day looks something like this:
7:00 AM wakes up to me reminding him to not forget about Max’s lunch and don’t fall back to sleep
8:30 AM – 6:00 PM After an hour long commute that can only be compared to a slow death march he arrives at work where his schedule is usually non-stop meetings peppered with people complaining that he isn’t in enough places at the same time.
5:30 PM – 6:30 PM Receives approximately 20 phone calls/text messages from me asking if he’s left yet.
6:00 PM – 7:00 PM Death march commute in reverse
7:00 PM is greeted by me hysterical about who knows what and the kids simultaneously talking and poking him in the tummy. There is no dinner. I made mac-n-cheese for the kids. The leftovers are in the pot.
8:00 PM he puts the kids to bed which is probably the only time somebody is nice to him all day
9:00 PM he gets back on his computer and works for an hour or more. He catches up on emails or freelance work
10:30 PM He returns to the family room to find me asleep on the couch and he’s left to watch The Colbert Report by himself.
Why this man has not run from the house screaming I have no idea. Every pregnancy is unique and the emotional upheaval of this pregnancy is quite pronounced. David is worried that I’m going to go all crazy after the baby is born and will pull a “Dooce” and end up in a mental hospital. I’m hoping I will find my way to medication before I get to that point but yes, the emotional carnage of pregnancy is scary and I am as worried about it as he is. In the meantime I’m so, so, so grateful that I have an awesome husband who, for the most part, cheerfully puts up with my crazy.
