Open Letter To Oprah
Dear Oprah,
I wanted to be the first to tell you that it is time for you to retire from your daily talk show. I know this may seem shocking but it is best that you do it now before it becomes awkward and embarrassing for everybody. You’ve had a long run on day-time television, but that run is over.
Somewhere between Deepak Chopra and Eckhart Tolle you lost your credibility. You have introduced us to and fully endorsed every spiritual guru since the early 90’s and I can insure you that my inner chi is centered. You’ve explored and practiced every dieting trend from low-fat to Acai berry. We’ve met all of your professional nutritionists from Rosie to Bob Greene. And you know what? We’re all still fat, just like you.
As fellow single women we clamored to listen to your relationship advice espoused from every expert you discovered, Dr. Phil to Marianne Willimason. Where most of us got married, you maintained your single status. This was okay until you proclaimed that women get married in order to insure financial security and thus your lack of desire to be married. If you think that financial security is the only reason women get married, well, you don’t understand marriage.
I cannot relate to building a school in South Africa, driving across country with my best friend, or wearing $200 high heels to work. I do not have the money to hire a personal chef, or a personal trainer. I do not have even fifteen minutes in my day to reflect on the importance of my life or what makes me happy. I definitely don’t understand the challenge of decorating multiple homes.
The final straw was your interview with Heather Armstrong (Dooce). Oprah, she is the largest mommy blogger on the internet and you mention her blog in passing – like it is a funny little hobby. As if it is somehow tangential to her book? Oh my.
Oprah, you were my friend. You were my personal expert guiding me through my life, but now, well, you’ve become a stranger. Your life and your problems no longer resemble anything in my own life. We’ve grown apart.
So, it is with a heavy heart that I say goodbye. Thank for the years Oprah, but it is now time for you to slink off into the good night.
Regards,
Your Target Audience
Feminist Generation
I remember being thirteen years old when the idea of feminism was explained to me. I knew right then that I was all for it. I was a liberated woman. I admired the suffragettes, and the ERA. They were my sisters. The soldiers who blazed the trail before me. I was going to honor their legacy and respect their sacrifices. I read Faludi. I read Steinem. I am woman, hear me roar!
I feel as passionately today about women’s rights as I did then. If anything I have more perspective, more information and a better understanding. I’ve sat in board room meetings and been patronized because of my sex (and youthful appearance). I’ve seen my sister get passed over for promotion. I am aghast as the younger girls behind me seem to willingly allow themselves to be viewed and treated as nothing more than glamorized strippers. I am saddened by the sexualization of our young girls.
None of that passion, determination, or energy left me when I quit my career to be a stay at home mom. And yet, I get the message that I must have abandoned my sisters when I made that choice. Section 1 of the Equal Rights Amendment (which has not yet been ratified and made an amendment) states; “Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any state on account of sex”. Equality of rights – my rights – my right to choose. My right to choose a career, a house, a job, a family, a spouse, ownership, etc. I have made thousands of choices in my life. Some of them that would be shocking for a woman to make – especially if I lived in another culture, or another country. I chose what school I wanted to attend. I chose to get a driver’s license. I chose to travel extensively and alone, for work. I’ve worked for men and have had men work for me. I chose my own husband and sometimes I even tell him that he’s wrong. But most importantly, I CHOSE to stay home with my kids. And somehow, that one choice negates all the other choices I have made.
Yet, that one choice is more important than all the others. That one choice insures that the role model my daughter will have in her daily life will be me. The mother who has a graduate degree, and who can also make heart-shaped pancakes. She won’t be determining her value, or her self-image based on the mysoginistic messages she sees in TV and on the internet. She will have her independent, strong-willed mother to be her mirror. My choice is not detrimental to the feminist movement. My choice is exercising the very freedoms the feminist movement fought for me to have. My choice may be different from the choices of other women, at other times in their lives, but that is the power of choice. That is freedom.
When I put my apron back on I did not forfeit my feminist membership card. I became the worst kind of feminist, because I’m raising the next generation.
My Mom Logic
Mothers develop their own logic, a sort of sixth sense that allows them to navigate the obstacles of parenthood. This logic is beyond what any other mortal can comprehend or understand. Once again, as a service to my audience, let me decipher Mom Logic for you.
Mom Logic #1
Apple pie or other fruit confection is fine for breakfast
From the outside this may look like I am feeding my child dessert. However, when the alternative to apple pie is either a Pop Tart, breakfast cereal, or a frozen waffle a piece of apple pie is actually a nutritional improvement.
Mom Logic #2
Any pacifier/rattle that has fallen on the floor can be picked up, licked clean by mom and returned to child.
I recognize that the saliva in a mother has never been scientifically proven to contain anti-bacterial components. However, my immune system is far stronger than my child’s immune system. My patience is far weaker. As a result, I’d rather lick as many germs off as possible and then give it back to my child in order to prevent a further melt down or tantrum. No harm no foul.
Mom Logic #3
If all is quiet something is wrong.
This kind of thinking is not because mothers are inherently negative, cynical party poopers. No, this logic comes from too many experiences discovering that your child has found a new way to entertain themselves that includes one of the following; washing their face in the toilet, unrolling an entire roll of toilet paper, smearing all of your make up on the wall, or putting all of your underwear on their head as a jaunty hat. (yes, I have experienced all of these things personally).
Mom Logic #4
Worrying insures that the outcome will be positive
You can tell a mother a thousand times that worrying is not productive and she will look at you like you are an idiot. This is because mothers know, for a fact, that worrying prevents bad things from happening. Why? Because if we worry a sufficient amount that means we have thought of, and prepared for, all possible problems or outcomes. If we have prepared properly than nothing bad can happen. However, we can only plan properly if we have worried sufficiently.
Mom Logic #5
Always make too much food
This always appears as if mothers are incapable of judging the proper amount of food to cook for their family. This is not the case. Instead, mothers have learned that whatever food they make for child A will also, spontaneously be desired by child B, even though child B has never eaten or shown a desire for that food before. As a result, mothers must cook extra food to account for any, and all possible meal combination. (see Mom Logic #4).
This post was supposed to be for a blogging contest, but I missed the entry deadline. Oh well. However, I still liked the idea so I wrote the post anyways. I’m sure I would have won.
