Home Stretch
More than likely I will be welcoming our third baby in the next two weeks. For most pregnant women this is a difficult part of pregnancy and indeed I’m struggling to stay upbeat. I am a woman who labors for weeks. On and off contractions that are uncomfortable all the time and painful some of the time and rarely productive. I’m trying to find my “happy place” or at least come to peace with these last couple of weeks. I want to enjoy this last little bit of time I have before my little girl arrives.
I took time today to go back and re-read all my posts about my miscarriage. The disappointment, the pain and the months of indecision and uncertainty that followed. As miscarriages go mine was pretty easy. It happened early before we ever saw or heard a heartbeat. I never had to suffer through the physical pain of actual miscarriage since I had a D&C days after discovering that the pregnancy was a failure. It was all very medical and clean and uncomplicated. Sort of. The emotions that were left behind though and the anguish of knowing my body had failed me was hard to reconcile. And yet now, well it doesn’t really matter now. Because in less than two weeks I’m having a baby.
It is funny how all those meaningless platitudes that people say; “it is for the best”, “God will send you another”, “there is a reason for this” all make sense now. It was good that we had more time to think about this last baby. I do feel ready, or at least as ready as anybody feels for a baby. I’m excited and I have a feeling that this little girl, this little dawdler of mine who is delaying her arrival, well, I suspect she has a wicked sense of humor like her Daddy.
I recently had a student say to me, after hearing me complain about labor pain, “I NEVER want to get pregnant. I don’t know how you did it three times.” Yep, we women, we’re crazy like that aren’t we?
Baby #1 Vs Baby #3
Baby #1: The pregnancy test comes back positive and your emotional reaction is overwhelming. There are tears and squeals of joy. Phone calls are instantly made around the world announcing the glorious news.
Baby #3: The pregnancy test comes back positive and you exclaim in the privacy of your bathroom; “NO WAY!”
Baby #1: You instantly purchase every book on pregnancy, have calendars always within arms reach and can tell anybody at a moments notice how far along you are down to the minute, and where your baby is developmentally
Baby #3: You no longer keep track of time and assume that when the baby is done it will arrive. No reason to really think too much about it now.
Baby #1: You have the nursery decor selected, colors chosen, and themes identified before the end of the first trimester
Baby #3: If necessary the baby can sleep in a drawer. It is not like it will remember.
Baby #1: You practically throw a party on the day you realize you can no longer fit into your pants and MUST buy maternity clothes
Baby #3: You never really stopped wearing your maternity clothes from the first two pregnancies.
Baby #1: Every pregnancy symptom is greeted with excitement and confirmation of the growing miracle in your stomach
Baby #3: You find yourself cursing your husband and yourself for thinking another pregnancy was a good idea every time you wretch, or experience a leg cramp
Baby #1: Friends, family and doctors are so excited for you and share in the joy that is the innocence of not fully understanding the bomb that is about to explode in your life.
Baby #3: Friends, family and doctors look at you and ask “was this an accident or on purpose?”
Baby #1: Names are selected and properly engraved on every blanket, shirt, bottle and item in the nursery all before the end of the second trimester
Baby #3: A name? The baby needs a name?
Baby #1: Thinking about the new person joining your family makes you want to cry
Baby #3: Knowing that the new person joining your family will change you forever makes you want to cry
Let Me Present Hell In A Handbasket
Ever have those times in your life when everything feels like it has been put on fast-forward? Oh sure, kids sort of make you feel like that all the time, but there are times, special times, when it feels even faster than that? Well, that is where I am. Every morning I feel like my life has taken a hit of crack cocaine and forgot to share the goods with my body. My life is moving faster and yet my body and mind have slowed down to a pace that resembles the mental capacity of a retarded puppy. I know all you moms out there who have been juggling multiple kids in school for a long time now will feel no sympathy for me, but DAMN it is hard and why the hell did nobody tell me?
Three days a week my day resembles this:
5:45: wake up as quietly as humanly possible so I can shower and dress without interruption. This works 50% of the time
6:45: wake Lucy up (if not already awake). Cartoons, chocolate milk and the morning soothing of Max who routinely wakes up crying for no apparent reason
7:00: Lucy gets dressed and we pack to leave for school (both her and I must prep for school. I rarely get breakfast since I take my Thyroid meds at 6:00 and we’re out the door by 7:15 – no time for breakfast)
7:15: leave for school
7:30: drop Lucy off at school
8:00 – 2:30: I teach, grade papers, prep for class, meet with students, etc, etc. If I’m lucky I get to eat lunch. Lunch happens about 50% of the time
2:45: I pick up Lucy from school
3:15: I pick up Max from school
4:00: back home and if I’m lucky I get a 20 minute cat nap.
5:00: dinner and pre-dinner snacking mixed with homework, cleaning out lunch boxes, etc.
6:00: dinner
7:00: PJ’s, bedtime movie. etc
8:30: kids are in bed
9:00: pack lunches for tomorrow, lay out uniforms, pack backpack and prep for school for the next day
9:30: dishes, and clean up from dinner
10:00: 1 hour of TV for mommy (this is a luxury, in reality I should be grading papers, but I’m mentally dead by this point)
11:00: bedtime, which usually looks like me falling asleep on the couch and David waking me up to remind me that I own a bed and I may want to use it.
On the days I don’t teach it looks slower but I’m so desperate to get caught up from the days that I do teach that most of the time I spend the day overwhelmed and paralyzed with the tasks ahead of me. My ability to manage even the most simplest of tasks is absent.
I don’t know if it is my age with this pregnancy or just that every pregnancy is different but this time around, well, my mental capacity is gone. I’m experiencing huge mood swings, and an inability to focus my thinking or concentrate. I cry, laugh, get angry, have little patience and frequently feel overwhelmed by something as simple as the dishes. As soon as I feel the slightest bit caught up I have a day when I land in bed and I slide right back to where I was. I know I probably should have been reaching out to my blogging network for support, but somehow that has felt like a luxury that I haven’t been able to afford.
On the positive side I have a husband who has no problem making himself a sandwich or a plate of eggs for dinner. David has tried to be understanding of the emotional wreck of a wife that has somehow showed up for this pregnancy. There are days when he looks at me like I’m an alien but has done his best to not say anything. There are days when he seems as confused as I do. There are days when we both just collapse into a heap of emotion and just cling to the nine years of history we have built with each other knowing that it will float us through.
Physically I feel fine. I have chronic indigestion and a cough that won’t go away but honestly, I have only gained about 7 pounds and feel great. It is the mental, hormonal, emotional impact that I’m not weathering nearly as well as I have during other pregnancies. Even this blog post seems to ramble with no real point. Please tell me this is normal and then hold me and tell me it will all be okay.
