I Think I Know What I’m Doing, But Ask Me Again In Three Months
Jen at Conversion Diary asked for words of encouragement for a new mother. Well, as I come crashing in at the end of my third pregnancy I’m feeling rather smug regarding my parenting knowledge and thought I would share what my experience has taught me.
#1 DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF
Now, I know everybody tells you this from the moment that the first pregnancy test comes back positive, but I will tell you that this is the hardest lesson to learn but also the most important. Every grandparent or ‘retired’ parent will tell you; “spend less time cleaning and more time playing”. You know what? Listen to your elders. Is my house a mess? Yes. Most days my sink is full of dishes, my laundry back-loaded, and toys in my family room. In exchange for that I have well-adjusted children who get to experience a mentally sane mother (on most days). Some day I will have children old enough who can do the dishes, vacuum and make their own beds. In the meantime, they clear their dishes, put their laundry in their hamper and do the best they can. And you know what, I no longer care if my house is clean. I reject the idea that cleanliness is a sign of a successful mother.
#2 DON’T CRY – LAUGH
Motherhood is filled with the most ridiculous moments and indeed most “mommy blogs” are filled with tales of such silliness. In my case I can recount stories of spilled paint on carpet, exploding poop on visiting relatives, puke in the middle of the mall, etc, etc. If you thought child delivery lacked modesty and was embarrassing, well, that is only the beginning. You must learn to laugh at yourself or you will find yourself crying far too often.
#3 ASK FOR HELP
At 39 years old and approaching the arrival of my third child I have learned this lesson. I cannot do it all, and I’m not going to martyr myself in an effort to somehow garner praise and appreciation from some invisible entity. Let me fill you in on a secret, your children will not appreciate you more for killing yourself and neither will your spouse. They won’t appreciate you, they will resent you. I pay for a housekeeper to clean my house every two weeks. I pay for babysitters when I need a break or assistance to get things done. Motherhood is a hard job and it is a 24 hour job – you cannot do it all the time
#4 CUT YOURSELF SOME SLACK
You are not going to be a perfect parent all the time. You will snap, yell, scream, throw a grown-up tantrum, let them watch tv, eat popcorn, processed foods, sugar, soda pop, etc. None of these things make you a terrible parent. One of my best friends is a family therapist and she has said to me on more than one occasion that unless I’m beating, purposefully neglecting or feeding my kids drugs I’ve got a long way to fall to become a bad parent. Most of us are consciously trying to read to our kids and provide a well-balanced diet in a loving and supportive environment. It is just that that environment is hard to maintain 365 days a year. Some days you are going to be lucky if the kids spend the day watching PBS and eat macaroni and cheese for dinner.
#5 YOU KNOW NOTHING
When I was pregnant with Lucy I was terrified of the unknown. What was it going to be like to be a parent? How was I going to handle it? How hard was it going to be? When I got pregnant with Max I had confidence and arrogance that was most definitely a mistake. Max came out and was NOTHING like Lucy. It was as if I was a first-time parent all over again. Now, pregnant with my third I recognize that I know nothing and there is peace in that. No use in preparing for this child because it won’t matter. Whatever I anticipate or plan for will be wrong.
Finally, my mother-in-law has a sign on her desk that says “children grow to become the love they know”. No matter how crazy my day is, or how much my children drive me crazy if I can end the day with a hug, kiss, snuggle and the knowledge that my kids know that they are loved, well, that is a successful day.
Gratitude
Sometimes an argument over a toy can lead me to say ugly words, causing my bottomless patience to vanish in a flash
Sometimes the simple sound of Max’s heavy breathing at night can awake worry and concern
Sometimes the smell of Lucy’s hair as it is nestled tightly under my nose can be comforting
Sometimes the non-stop prattle of school day stories from the back seat can disappear into the air with little acknowledgment from me.
Car pool, packing lunches, homework, breakfast, lunch, dinner, play time, clean up, stories and the days bleed together.
And then you hear it, read it, see it
Big eyes, small hands, sometimes with a look of fear, a look of resignation. Each story tells of loss, heart break and a child yearning for the love and comfort of a home like mine. And then the feeling starts to spread. You suddenly are reawakened to the subtle noise of craft projects, sibling squabbles, and the noise of your own children. The sounds of love, security and comfort. Sounds that these lost children, the children with no family or parents or future can only dream about.
I don’t worry about whether or not my children will eat.
I don’t worry about how safe it is for them to go to school.
I don’t worry if my children will be kidnapped or if bombs will destroy our house.
I’m grateful that my children won’t ever have to face the fear of an unknown future, go to bed hungry or worry about being cold at night. That gratitude, that sigh of relief we all release when watching the latest news story, is fleeting. We breath it, we mean it, but it is always short-lived. Perhaps this Thanksgiving I’ll try to be grateful for feeling more gratitude.
Once again, I am inspired by Scribbit’s Write Away Contest.
New Horizons
From early on David and I decided against sending our kids to preschool. David comes from a bevy of educators who have all told us again and again that preschool is not necessary. That society has created this feeling of urgency to shove kids into school at too young of an age and that anything our kids would learn at preschool they could comfortabley learn at home. These people are experts. These are people who have spent more time reading, studying and learning about early childhood development than I could ever imagine knowing in my entire lifetime. No problem.
Lucy has either been home with me or with a nanny from the day she was born. She has spent her mornings tumbling out of bed, shuffling around her pj’s and drinking chocolate milk like a drunk sailor. Over the years I have carefully tracked her development against what is expected of kindergarten age children and indeed Lucy has always met or exceeded developmental milestones — except for scissors. Our first note from Lucy’s kindergarten teacher was to let us know that for a five year old Lucy was really lacking in her scissor skills. OH MY GOSH MY DAUGHTER WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN LIFE BECAUSE SHE CAN’T CUT ON A STRAIGHT LINE!!! For the record, I have always supremely sucked at cut and paste and I’m assuming that Lucy has inherited this apparent lack of scissor skills from me.
We had a nanny lined up at the beginning of the summer for Max but this person fell through and I had to start the search for a new care-giver. We ended re-hiring a former nanny and this seemed like a perfect resolution. Max would continue to stay at home, like his sister, and be cared for by the same person who nurtured Lucy. Two weeks before the school year was to start for me that person informed us that she couldn’t do it. I was screwed. Two weeks is not nearly enough time to find a quality nanny. We were left with few options. We enrolled Max into preschool.
Yesterday was Max’s first day of preschool. My anxiety and self-doubt as a parent over this decision is bottomless. I have never second-guessed and questioned a parenting decision as much as I have this one. David dropped Max at preschool yesterday. David was filled with trepidation and viewed all the people at the school with a cynical eye. Max, after a brief moment of shyness and tears, quickly settled down and never looked back. When I eagerly picked him up he was cheerful and excitedly told me about his new friends.
This is the ultimate truth about parenting; kids are usually ready for new challenges and experiences long before their parents are ready. I can justify and explain this decision all day but it still won’t make me feel any better.
