Choices
David quit his job.
Just like that.
No new job lined up. No security blanket of independent financing.
He quit.
He quit because after a year of 50+ hours a week and an hour long commute and a job that was stressful and never ending in its demands it was time.
Nothing can force you to clarify your values and your life like a new baby. A new baby is all encompassing in its demands and there is no ignoring the impact. And so David found himself with a new baby, a wife crippled with postpartum depression and a job that was demanding his heart and soul. Something had to give.
I wish I could say that the decision seemed clear to us but it didn’t. We struggled with the overwhelming aspect of our lives and felt lost and trapped. What were we to do? We just bought a house, had a baby, how could we survive without an income? And yet, it was a simple phone call from my mother that put us straight. She simply said, “Stop playing scared”.
Life gets like that when you start having kids – when you grow up. The consequences of your decisions have far-reaching impact and you start to drive through your life white-knuckled and scared of the “what-ifs”. However, life should never be lived from behind a rock – from the point of safety and when my mother so clearly told us that we were being cowards we knew what we needed to do. You can either own life or life can own you but either way it is a choice. So David and I chose.
The truth is that I’m not that worried. David is very talented and well liked. I’m sure he will land a job soon and indeed he’s been rather busy interviewing and fielding a variety of opportunities. That isn’t the best part of this story though – the best part has been seeing him smile again. The best part has been waking up everyday with a husband who is present, relaxed and excited about his own life again. We’ve gone to the lake, seen movies in the middle of the day, had family dinners EVERY night and generally enjoyed being a family again.
At the end of the day it is the choices we make everyday that determines what is important to us – where our values sit. I’m proud of the fact that my husband had the courage to stand up and choose his family above all other obligations. Now then, anybody looking for a great creative director?
Sacred Space
During a world religion class in college my professor talked about the difference between sacred and profane space, sacred and profane time, and how we as a society mark certain things, times, dates and locations as being sacred. I loved this concept and I remember becoming acutely aware of my own sacred space. Recently this idea has found its way back into my consciousness.
This past week our wireless internet connection got corrupted and I lost my internet access at home. At first this seemed dire, frustrating and desperate. However, by the end of the day I realized how much I had gotten done because I wasn’t distracted by the insignificant minutia that seems to constantly be demanding my attention on the internet. This led me to consider the idea of consciously disconnecting during certain times of the day or week. What would happen?
My first experiment came Saturday night. David and I were attending a “grown-up” party with alcohol and music and no children or even people who also had kids so there would be no swapping of kid stories. I turned my iPhone off and left it at home. Think about that people. I TURNED MY PHONE OFF AND LEFT IT AT HOME. I WENT SOMEWHERE WITHOUT MY PHONE. MY PHONE WAS NOT NEAR MY BODY. Do you recognize the enormity of this ? Do you recognize the sheer craziness of me making that decision? Well, I did it. I went a total of four hours without access to the internet, facebook, email or text messaging. And you know what happened? The world did not end and for once I wasn’t distracted by things that were peripheral to my activity but I was actually able to exist in the “now”. I made eye-contact, I talked with people, my mind settled and I focused on what I was doing.
This first experiment went so well that the next morning I decided to not bring my phone with me to church. Although at times I felt a small tug of disappointment that I couldn’t “check-in” with the world I overall was pleased at my ability to keep my attention on the people and things around me versus the “others”.
I like this idea of sacred space and have decided to start consciously marking sacred times in my life when I disconnect. I don’t want to be checking my email while I’m trying to spend time with my husband, or playing a board game with my kids. I don’t want to hear the chime of a text message while I’m trying to have a conversation with a good friend. Don’t get me wrong, I still am madly in love with my iPhone and I will not be giving it up any time soon. But I’ve decided to reclaim my sacred space. I’ve decided to try harder at living in the now and not the later.
I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke
I’m not a person who likes drama. I’m not a person who likes change or turmoil or chaos. On the contrary, I’m a planner, a plotter, a person of routine. We’ve moved, we’ve had a baby and now that baby is asleep in a hospital bed next to me. The lack of routine and order makes me twitchy and itchy and makes me dream about running away to Costa Rica. Although Harper is beautiful and appears to fart rainbows she has contracted the RSV virus, which although not serious is a royal pain in my butt. She is wheezing, and coughing and vomiting.
When I talk to my friends I feel as if I have turned into a drama queen. Every conversation seems to start with me sharing some life-altering news.; “we sold our house”, “we bought a house”, “we moved”, “we had a baby”, “we’re in the hospital”. I never thought I would long for the days when my conversation would revolve around whether or not I should be forcing Lucy to eat hot lunch at school. I actually dread talking to my friends right now because I feel as if all I’m doing is lamenting the chaos, anxiety and stress that surrounds me. And yet, in this most crazy time I have never felt so supported and loved. I cannot think of a single moment before that I have had more people rally to my side to lift me up, carry me along and ease my burden. I’m feeling the need to take a moment and acknowledge that help and support.
My Students
Over the years I’ve made some dear friends out of former students. Young men and women who have grown up, moved on and become amazing people. Many of them have sent me messages and notes of encouragement over the past six months but a few have made a real difference:
Lindsey: Thank you for your prayers, visits, care, and encouragement. Your unabashed love and kindness has been a soft cushion during a hard time
Taryn: As always, thank you for feeding me, but also for your open-hand of help.
Micah: I appreciate you moving heavy furniture for me, but also for making me realize that asking for help (and taking it) is not a sign of weakness.
Micki: We couldn’t have survived without you. You have dropped everything to run to our house to watch our kids, and care for them as if they were your own. Every mother dreams of a babysitter who loves her children as much as she does and I am so blessed to have found that in you. Words don’t go far enough
My Friends:
Like so many people I have reconnected with dozens of my old high school pals through Facebook. It has been amazing to see how the people I liked in high school, I still like. Some friendships have grown stronger and some have felt like no time has passed at all. The numerous notes and messages of encouragement have meant everything to me during these past six months.
Laura: It is nice to know that I still have a friend with whom I can make tasteless jokes during the most trying of times and who doesn’t think I’m a bad person. God bless you.
Tim: Your words of encouragement over a long distance brought me more comfort than you can imagine.
Kym: You have always been one of my biggest cheerleaders, and supporters. Thank you for all that you do, which is more than I can acknowledge here.
My Church Family:
I’ve never gone to a church long enough, or been involved enough to ever truly understand what people meant by the term “church family” but now I do. I get it. At a minimum I haven’t had to cook for weeks but the best part has been feeling the love of so many people praying for me. FOR ME? So many people from our church have called, written, stopped by, sent notes to tell us that they are thinking about us, praying for us and offering to help. People we barely know – people we have just met. I have never been the recipient of such charity and kindness and although at times it was hard to humbly accept I couldn’t have survived without it.
My Family:
There truly is not enough space. To thank my family properly would take an entire blog post. However, I need to give the biggest thank you to my in-laws, Carolyn & Max, who have basically lived with us for the past three weeks and without whom my family would have surely fallen into crisis. They have done dishes, bathed kids, unpacked, cooked meals, assembled furniture, done car pool, gone grocery shopping, babysat, dressed kids, moved furniture, hauled trash, etc, etc – you get the idea. They have been angels supporting David and I and letting us know every step of the way that we are not alone.
My Partner, My Friend, My Love
Stress like this can either bring a couple together or tear them apart. When faced with a heart-crushing, mind-boggling amount of stress David has a tendency to take that out on the person closest to him — me. When I’m stressed and feeling the weight of the world I get stubborn, prideful and controlling. We’re lovely. So you can only imagine how conversations have been going in our house. Let’s just say that far too many of them ended with me saying “you’re an ass” and David saying “why are you being so stubborn?”
There was something rather cathartic about my unexpected natural childbirth. The physical pain, screaming and my complete dependence on David allowed us to release all the stress, anxiety and frustration that had been swirling around us for months. When labor was finished and Harper was welcomed into the world David and I stood there once again united. Look at what we had done? We knew that this past six months was going to be hard and even though it ended up being more stressful than we anticipated we did it and we now stand on the other side.
A strength of a marriage is not measured when times are good but when they are bad – not in health but in sickness. I cannot imagine facing the trials and challenges of life with anybody else by my side. The greatest gift David and I have for each other is forgiveness. All the mean things said and hurtful actions over the past six months I forgive, and I know David forgives me. None of it matters. What matters now is that we have a family of five, a new home that our children can grow up in and my best friend is standing by my side sharing it with me.
